How I Would Have Done PREDATOR 2 (1990)

Once upon a time, Myopia Movies did an episode on the original Predator film that I was unable to participate in due to attending a friend’s wedding in North Carolina. Given how Predator 2 may have been the first of the two films I actually saw (on TV, long ago), I didn’t want to miss participating in this episode. And although it was a broadly enjoyable film, there’s nothing that can’t be improved on.

So in my usual fashion, here’s how I would have done Predator 2…

In General

*Keep the general storyline and the cast. The plot is fine as-is and the cast, particularly Danny Glover, works very well.

Act One

*I liked how the film begins in what looks like a jungle and then scrolls into modern Los Angeles. This is a nice callback to the first film, which took place in a fictional Latin American country during the Cold War. We also just go straight into the action with the police confronting an incredibly well-armed drug gang.

*Although the film premiered in 1990 and (I assume) predicts Los Angeles gang warfare would continue worsening until that far-future date of 1997, having drug gangs openly battling the police in the streets and at one point shooting down a police helicopter is a little much. Most gang violence is criminal-on-criminal or criminal-on-civilian — openly fighting law enforcement is a good way to get the hammer dropped. If the Crips and Bloods are too much for the cops, that’s when the National Guard or even the regular military comes in. It’d be better if we see the fight is between the Colombians and the Jamaicans from the get-go and then when the cops arrive, the gangs attempt to flee rather than openly attack the LAPD. Perhaps the two officers are wounded by Colombian leader El Scorpion (Henry Kingi), who is armed to the teeth and clearly high as a kite. That’s when Lieutenant Mike Harrigan (Danny Glover) does his death ride. This allows him to rescue the two officers and kill some Colombians who’re serving as the rear-guard to allow the others to escape. Then Harrigan orders his men after the Colombians because he’s angry that they’ve injured two officers and he doesn’t want them to get away and cause more problems later.

*I would keep the cops’ battle with the Colombians as-is after that. They’re trapped in the building and probably more scared of their deranged commander El Scorpion than the police outside. However, Danny Glover seeing the Predator on the rooftop gives the game away too fast. Instead I would have the police proceed as they do in the film, but no explicit depiction of the Predator. It’ll be something the gangsters can see and fight, but although they can see it, the viewers can’t. Based on the ritualistic display of the corpse and the fact the Jamaicans and Colombians were fighting in the area earlier, the cops assume it was the Jamaicans that killed the Colombians inside the building. However, I’d have some clues that make it obvious in hindsight it’s not them. We see a little of that with no guns and drugs missing when the police finally take the building, but to give a more explicit clue, I’d have them find a bit of neon-green blood from a lucky hit. Although the gangsters aren’t nearly as well-trained as the military guys from the first film, they’ve got a lot of weapons and they’re in a confined space they can’t escape. They’re more likely to wound a Predator, especially a less-skilled or experienced one, in such an environment than in a more open place like the jungle. Most of the cops assume it’s part of the Jamaicans’ voodoo-based terror tactics, but Harrigan is suspicious. Especially once the MIB types show up and take possession of the scene. Owing to Harrington’s greater age and experience, he’s probably worked with the DEA before and these guys are clearly not DEA.

*I’d definitely keep the Predator-POV sequences in the opening, as this would be the first clue the Predator is the main antagonist. This is very similar to the original film, where the first focuses on fighting the guerrillas and the Predator is simply watching the fun until the opportune time to jump in. I would also make sure to keep it clear the Predator is specifically focused on Harrigan — a bad-ass, aggressive police officer would be a much more impressive trophy than a bunch of gang members.

*Even though their particular precinct is depicted as the worst in the city, openly fighting a superior officer and even attempting to physically attack him seems like something Harrigan wouldn’t get away with no matter how dystopic the situation. If he was prone to this sort of behavior he probably wouldn’t get as high up as he does — a police lieutenant is only three steps away from becoming chief. I’d tone down him a bit and make it clearer he gets away with whatever overly-aggressive behavior and insubordination he does display because he’s publicly viewed as a hero for things like rescuing the wounded cops and alluded-to previous incidents that would make disciplining him politically difficult. Maybe hint that he’s in the worst precinct in the city because they can’t find anybody else for the job and stuff that would get an officer fired in a less dangerous environment they have to put up with. This would also make him leery of Jerry Lambert (Bill Paxton) — who in their right mind would WANT to transfer to this part of town?

*And speaking of Lambert, the interaction between him and Leona Cantrell (Maria Conchito Alonso) is kind of cringey. He hits on her and she goes into full-on Groin Attack mode until he backs down. Given how the movie was made in the late 1980s when there were a lot fewer rules about sexual harassment, Leona might have had to deal with things herself and hope her police record and/or the boss recognizing the perpetrator as a slimeball helps her get away with it. Since Harrigan sees it, maybe have him remark to himself something like “more XXXXth precinct crap” (indicating this is a symptom of the precinct’s dysfunctionality) and perhaps have words with Lambert about it later. When Harrigan gives his speech about putting the team first (this clip also includes Lambert being obnoxious and Leona putting him in his place), that’d be a good place to work in that he needs to be careful about…certain things. Leaving aside the moral issue of how Leona obviously doesn’t want to listen to his stories or put up with him hitting on her, there’s also the fact this behavior undermines the team and puts everybody at risk.

*I’d actually keep the voodoo ritual scene, although since the gang is supposed to be Jamaican it’d probably be better to call it obeah. Although I can easily imagine someone claiming it’s racist, it’s pretty clear to me the voodoo stuff is something they play up to terrorize their enemies and from a strategic perspective, that makes sense. Also, if we’re trying to keep the viewer thinking that it’s the Jamaicans who wiped out the Colombians as long as possible, their whole “hang your captive upside down and mutilate him” schtick and the Predator’s display of its kills are very similar. Given how the police have no reason at all to think aliens are involved, whenever they’d see this sort of thing they’d just believe it was the Jamaicans. That will be the first scene where I’d reveal rather than just imply the Predator. At this point the Jamaicans have been the red herrings for a fifth or so of the movie, much like the Communist guerrillas in the first film, and their exploits against the Colombians have set them up as something to be feared. Then the Predator just walks in and obliterates them, showing the viewers that he (it?) is the new king of the urban jungle.

Act Two

*Given how improbable it is that the MIB types under Keyes would leave the site of a Predator killing unsecured, I would have simply had Harrigan’s team capture the Predator’s weapon before Keyes’ men hustle them out. Having Danny Archuleta (Ruben Blades) sneak back into the crime scene undermines Keyes’ men’s competence, since not only is the site poorly-secured, but Keyes and Harrigan have butted heads before. This is something the MIB should see coming, especially given how Harrigan’s team is willing to join him in insubordinate behavior. This means Danny dies differently — perhaps he stakes out the building where the Colombians died in hopes of seeing what Keyes is up to and is killed by the Predator instead? This would be another clue that the Predator has fixated on Harrigan specifically.

*I would have kept the broader arc where Harrigan and his loyalists begin their own investigation into Danny’s killer despite the anger of Harrigan’s superiors. This includes Harrigan’s meeting with King Willie, the leader of the Jamaican gang. I actually liked his depiction as a sort of Rastafarian Master Splinter. He even uses the correct terminology, like referring to Harrigan (a police officer) as a representative of “Babylon.” However, I would have included King Willie’s fight with the Predator, since one of my problems with the original was that Billy’s duel with the Predator  (on a log over a river where the Predator can only attack from one direction) was never seen.

*When the police scientist Irene Edwards (Lilyan Chauvin) studies the captured Predator weapon, having it made wholly of elements that aren’t on the periodic table is overkill. Virtually all elements on Earth and in the broader universe are made in stars. I would have made it so that it’s made of elements that are recognizable but associated with very advanced technologies (“niobium—they use that in superconductors”) or are very rare on Earth (“iridium—isn’t that something they only find in asteroid craters?”). Although the viewers at this point already know we’re dealing with something inhuman, this is something that would help the cast realize they’re dealing with something not of this Earth and King Willie might not have been completely full of it.

Act Three

*The train sequence can stay broadly the same, although I had some suspension-of-disbelief issues with how Lambert wasn’t able to injure the Predator at all despite repeatedly shooting it with a handgun at close range. The Predator when we see it is wearing largely fishnet and not a lot of metallic armor. The later film Predators shows they can be injured and killed by human-made swords and the main Predator’s skin is repeatedly penetrated by shotgun blasts later, so it’s not like the hide is bulletproof. I would have had Lambert miss a couple of times in the pandemonium of the train car and his remaining shots bounce off what’s obviously metallic armor. Maybe Lambert can wound it a bit like the Colombians would have in my version, but in the end he goes down. Leona is spared like in the film due to her pregnancy — the fact the Predator has an honor code (or at least a hunting code of ethics) is a character moment for it.

*Harrigan’s pursuit of the Predator to avenge Lambert and his capture by Keyes’ MIB stays broadly the same. However, given how they were clearly trying to take Harrigan alive, I would have made the vehicular mayhem a little more subtle — they pin his car against something rather than slam into him full-on in a larger vehicle, something that could easily kill or injure him.

*The rest of the movie works pretty well as-is. Fast-moving, entertaining, some good one-liners (like Harrigan’s exchange with the old lady in the apartment complex), and the reveal that the Predators’ trophy room has a Xenomorph skull sets up the wonderful crossover video games and novels (and less wonderful crossover films) we get later. The other Predators sparing Harrigan and even giving him a 250-year-old trophy pistol (implying the Predators have been hunting humans on Earth for centuries) as a matter of honor was pretty cool too. I also liked how the MIB Garber looks to throw his weight around until he sees the LAPD coming – he might be a federal agent, but the LAPD of the early 1990s didn’t have a great reputation and I’m sure he didn’t want to fall down the stairs in a one-story building for trying to push around an LAPD officer on his own turf.

How I Would Have Done TRANSFORMERS (2007)

One of the more fun episodes of Myopia Movies that I've participated in was our episode on the 2007 Michael Bay film Transformers. The episode was notable for Nic's hilarious impersonation of Bay, which he used to criticize how the film often objectified Megan Fox's Mikaela Baines.

(Someone online said that if you had just the script she'd be a very capable and competent heroine, but the way the film is shot it often comes off as the camera leering at her. Fellow podcaster Daniel said the movie made him want to take a shower.)

I had my own set of criticisms of the film, but as I've said before, complaining is easy. Here's how I would have done it...

Act One

*We begin with Optimus Prime’s voice-over about the civil war on Cybertron, the AllSpark, etc. Then cut to Earth orbit when two mysterious extraterrestrial craft appear. One approaches a human satellite and transforms into the Decepticon Soundwave, who attaches himself to the satellite with tentacles much like he does in Revenge of the Fallen . He scans through various data-streams and finds the eBay page of Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf), which has some piece of obvious alien technology on it. Upon seeing Sam is located in California, Soundwave dispatches the other mysterious alien toward what is obviously the Middle East.

*Cut to Sam and his father shopping for the car. All Sam can afford with his savings and the money his father is willing to give him is the “piece of crap Camaro.” Yes, this means Bobby Bolivia (Bernie Mac) will stay, but since my proposed revisions cut the entire hacking subplot to save time, preserving one wacky comic relief character can be tolerated.

*Meanwhile in Qatar, we meet Captain William Lennox (Duhamel) and Sergeant Robert Epps (Tyrese Gibson) while they Skype with Lennox’s wife and his baby daughter, born while he was deployed. They’re interrupted by the arrival of a mysterious helicopter that does not respond to human hails and whose pilot it turns out is a hologram. The helicopter transforms into a humanoid warrior robot — the Decepticon Blackout — who begins attacking. The human soldiers flee to their Hummers, tanks, etc. like they do in the canonical film, but we actually see the fight this time. Deploying parasite creatures like Scorponok and able to withstand quite a bit of human firepower, Blackout triumphs, but the prolonged firefight allows Lennox, Epps, and a few others to flee to a nearby Arab village. They’re pursued by Scorponok, but Lennox, other survivors, and the villagers with their bolt-action rifles manage to hold the Decepticon off long enough for Epps — a forward air controller — to “bring the rain” with with AC-130 gunships and A-10 Warthogs. Scorponok loses his tail and flees. This is the kind of spectacle Michael Bay is good at and cutting the hackers means cutting a bunch of actors (including Jon Voight as Not Donald Rumsfeld, who probably cost a lot), freeing up cash to expand the first battle sequence.

*Back to California, Sam and his best friend Miles (John Robinson) crash a party attended by Mikaela Banes (Fox) and her odious football player boyfriend Trent (Travis Van Winkle). The broad strokes of Sam and Mikaela’s story work fine. Sam is amusing and Mikaela is a pretty cool character overall. However, although Sam’s dork to Mikaela's "evil jock concubine" is funny (and we contrast Sam's earnestness with Trent’s arrogance, condescension, and sexism), there are times he’s straight-up creepy. Furthermore, Bumblebee is the world's most unsubtle wingman and Sam's "more than meets the eye" from the original TV series was just lame. Although Sam is not supposed to be the king of social skills, he is so annoying in that scene we’d need some dialogue changes to make him even remotely convincing as a suitor for Mikaela. I would have also toned down the unsubtle Mikaela body shots. Yes, she's very pretty. No, we don't need endless close-ups of her midriff while walking down the road or her semi-posing in short-shorts and a crop top while tinkering with Bumblebee's engine. While Mikaela examines Bumblebee, we see them being stalked by a police car driven by an obvious hologram police officer. This unnerves Mikaela, who has Sam take her home.

*Back in Qatar, we see there’s an emerging crisis in the Middle East attracting the attention of the entire world and something is interfering with the military network. This keeps Lennox from contacting his terrified wife, who knows only that her husband’s base in Qatar has been attacked and many soldiers are dead. The soldiers examine Scorponok’s tail and comparing it to the composite armor American tanks use. It’s similar in structure, but it’s made of materials unknown to humans and its technique is vastly more advanced. Cue the arrival of Tom Banachek (Michael O’Neill), who has heard about what has happened and is very interested in hearing the soldiers’ report. When Lennox asks where he’s from, he only says “Sector Seven.”

*Back in California, Sam sees his car driving away on its own and follows, seeing it transform into the humanoid Bumblebee for the first time. He gets arrested after the police think he’s on drugs, alerting the lurking Barricade at the police station. When his father retrieves him, Bumblebee returns. Sam flees on his mother’s bicycle with Bumblebee in pursuit. He runs into Mikaela again, who follows him when he flees pursued by a car with no driver. He encounters a police car — who it turns out is Barricade. The resulting sequence plays out very similarly to the canonical film, since it provides good character moments for both humans.  Sam is self-sacrificing (jeopardizing his own escape to keep Mikaela from getting too close to Barricade) but prone to panicking, while Mikaela is level-headed, takes no crap, and is quite handy with power tools. Since the whole Air Force One/hacker subplot is dispensed with, Frenzy is simply some parasite creature of Barricade that attacks Sam and Mikaela while Barricade fights Bumblebee. And even though Mikaela chops him up, his head can survive to mimic her phone and hide in her purse.

*With Barricade defeated, Bumblebee collects the kids and reveals his purpose. Not only is he an alien, but he’s called for friends. And they’re arriving.

Act Two

*The arrival of the Autobots is appropriately majestic (see here), but how they introduce themselves to Sam and Mikaela needed work. For starters, Jazz is a millennia-old alien robot who acts like a ghetto stereotype. Although Jazz was always depicted as being "hip,” (watch this scene here from the TV show and this scene from the animated movie), Jazz's voice-actor was Scatman Crothers, not 2 Live Crew. Surely Optimus Prime's able lieutenant merits a more dignified portrayal. Meanwhile Ratchet's commentary on how he can detect Sam wants to "mate" with Mikaela was stupid on two levels — an alien robot older than human civilization isn't realistically going to care, and the empathetic Autobots won’t want to embarrass their human allies. And although I didn’t mind, "We learned your language from the World Wide Web," Optimus Prime would never say, "My bad."

*Optimus Prime explains what the Autobots are searching for. Sam was unknowingly in possession of part of Megatron, the overlord of the evil Decepticons, and they need to collect it before the Decepticons can confirm their missing master is on Earth. Furthermore, said part might contain information about the AllSpark, which the Decepticons absolutely cannot have. That was why Bumblebee was sent to Sam — the Autobots were investigating on their own and once they learned what Sam had, they wanted to protect him from the Decepticons.

*The Autobots take Sam and Mikaela back to Sam’s house, where they search for the Cybertronian artifact. His parents arrive and, suspicious of his evasive behavior, think they’ve caught him masturbating. Mikaela emerges from behind Sam’s bed to put a stop to it, prompting even more embarrassing commentary from Mrs. Witwicky. I found that sequence in the movie amusing, so it can stay. However, rather than engaging in increasingly-creative contortions to stay out of sight and destroying the Witwicky yard in the process, the Autobots just stand guard in the nearby streets in vehicle form.

*Then Sector Seven arrives and detains everybody, ignoring the vehicle-form Autobots (and thus demonstrating their questionable competence). John Turturro’s Agent Simmons will still be creepy and obnoxious (getting unduly poky with Sam's crotch with the Geiger counter, calling Mikaela "hot"), alluding to his portrayal of "pederast" Jesus Quintana from The Big Lebowski. Mikaela mouths off at Simmons, who reveals her father’s criminal past and her own juvenile record. S7 takes everybody away, only for Optimus Prime and the Autobots to intervene and capture them. Simmons ends up handcuffed to a streetlight in his underwear, part of the humiliation he deserves for, as someone online put it, “sexually baiting an underage female detainee,” but no Bumblebee “lubricating” (i.e. urinating on) him like in the actual movie. That was stupid. Then S7 reinforcements arrive and Sam and Mikaela are recaptured along with Bumblebee. The Autobots don’t intervene, since Optimus values confirming that Megatron is on Earth and that he has not claimed the AllSpark over a rescue that would likely take many human lives. This is where Ratchet can demonstrate his medical talents examining whatever artifact Sam had, confirming that it is part of Megatron and it contains information about the AllSpark. Once this is done, then they set off in pursuit of S7.

*Next is a scene that wasn’t in the actual film — rather than the Decepticons coming from all over the world at short notice when they hear from Frenzy, they’ve taken advantage of the Qatari distraction to gather in the United States. The characterization of the Cybertronians who aren't Bumblebee or Optimus Prime is a big weakness of the first three live-action films (that’s when I gave up) and one in particular is Starscream. In the cartoons I watched as a kid, it’s clear he covets Megatron’s position, he’s probably the smartest Decepticon, he prefers subtlety to Megatron's frontal assaults, and he's too cowardly to openly claim power. Some of the film’s promotional material stated Starscream views Optimus Prime's Autobots and Megatron's Decepticons as morally-equivalent personality cults and that in contrast he is solely concerned about the dying Cybertronian race. However, once in power he makes many of the same bad decisions as Megatron. That would be a pretty interesting interpretation.

But it's in none of the movies! Instead he's only a blathering sycophant that Megatron regularly abuses. In my rewrite, we see Starscream is clearly not interested in finding Megatron and the other Deceptions are suspicious, something the prequel novel Ghosts of Yesterday touches on. However, between Soundwave’s infiltration of the military network and Frenzy transmitting his location, they now know where Megatron and the AllSpark are. Although he’d clearly rather not, Starscream has no choice but to act.

*Everybody converges on Hoover Dam. Lennox and his men come with Banachek to assist S7 in fighting the Cybertronians (at this point nobody other than Sam and Mikaela knows there are two warring factions, with one friendly to humans), Simmons is transporting the detained Sam, Mikaela, and Bumblebee, the remaining Autobots are chasing them, and the Decepticons are in turn following them to liberate Megatron and take the AllSpark. The AllSpark is revealed to be something smaller from the get-go rather than somehow shrinking a house-sized machine to something a human can carry. And Simmons doesn’t credit all 20th Century technology to Megatron--for starters, cars already existed before Megatron was stored beneath Hoover Dam in the 1930s. When the Autobots arrive, Sam forces S7 to release Bumblebee and wipe Mikaela's juvenile record. That was another good character moment and explains why Mikaela, who no doubt has lots of options in the boy department, falls for him. However, Frenzy (or at least his head) makes his move, reawakening Megatron and setting the final battle into motion.

Act Three

*Megatron is awake and clearly pissed off and the Decepticons are attacking Hoover Dam. Rather than risk their breaking the dam and all the havoc that would cause, Lennox and friends propose leading the Decepticons into the desert, where American air power can be brought to bear without risking civilians.  Even though it’d be easier to hide in nearby Mission City than in the open where the Decepticons could easily do to American ground forces what the Coalition did to the Iraqis in 1991, the U.S. military is generally not known for Soviet-level callousness toward civilians. Simmons, jackass that he is, suggests the film strategy of disappearing into a populated area, only for Lennox to shut him down, with a gun to his head if necessary. While the Autobots and Army guys "roll out," Simmons and S7 battle Frenzy so Epps can use the 1930s-era radios not in the compromised military network to call in reinforcements.

*The city fight in the real film had some cool moments, so the Autobots and Army guys find some one-stoplight town they didn't realize was there. This lets us keep Mikaela hotwiring a tow truck to carry the injured Bumblebee into battle and Lennox's motorcycle power-slide that kills Blackout. Starscream infiltrates the F-22 squadron that Epps called in and attacks, but enough survive to hammer Megatron to the point they force him to his knees (and do enough damage to Megatron's chest that what happens next works). Optimus will still duel Megatron with "one shall stand, one shall fall," a callback to the 1986 animated film.  Sam still Takes A Third Option and rams the AllSpark into Megatron’s damaged chest to kill him rather than killing the defeated Optimus with it to deny it to Megatron.

*The film ends in Washington with a treaty between the U.S. and the Autobots to fight against the remaining Decepticons. A public treaty, since good luck covering up the Autobots’ arrival in California, the battle in Nevada, etc. in an age of smart-phones and YouTube. Sam and Mikaela are there, clearly a couple without that weird make-out scene on Bumblebee’s hood like in the actual film. Miles is there too, indicating that Sam didn't just abandon his hitherto best friend (and that Miles is willing to put aside his own prejudice against an "evil jock concubine"), as are Mr. and Mrs. Witwicky (for once) acting appropriately. The film ends with Bumblebee assigned to protect Sam against any Decepticon revenge and Ironhide transporting Lennox home to meet his baby daughter, setting up the establishment of NEST in the next film. Meanwhile, the dead Decepticons are dumped into the Laurentian Abyss, not because it’s the deepest part of the ocean (that's Challenger Deep), but because it's right off the East Coast. If the Decepticons attempt to salvage their comrades, it can be more easily defended than something way out in the Pacific.

This version preserves the film’s broad strokes while remedying many of its flaws. If you like this, you might like my Fix Fic of the second film, The Revenge of the Fallen Reboot. That one had potential too, but like this one wasn't executed well.

NIGHTMARES IN DIXIE, Or Short Stories That Make Good Movies

On the recommendation of T.S. Dann, a fellow member of the Atlanta chapter of the Horror Writers Association, I read Nightmares In Dixie, a collection of horror stories set in different states in the American South. Some were by authors I already knew about like Manly Wade Wellman or Karl Edward Wagner, but others were new to me, like Henry S. Whitehead.

(Whitehead as a person was particularly interesting to me, since not only he was he a horror and fantasy writer who corresponded with H.P. Lovecraft, but he was also an Episcopalian pastor. He served as Archdeacon of the Virgin Islands, where he learned about voodoo and through his fiction brought it into American popular culture.)

This reminded me of something S.M. Stirling once said at DragonCon--books make good miniseries and short stories make good movies. Some of the stories in the collection are too short to justify making an actual film out of them, but they could be put together in an anthology film in the vein of Creepshow or V/H/S. Here's how I'd break it down...

Full Films

"Coven" by Manly Wade Wellman-You could have a prologue set during the Civil War, with the main thrust of the story set in the 1880s. A young Confederate soldier, who'd been captured by a Union sergeant at (I think) the Battle of Shiloh, comes across the sergeant working as a preacher somewhere out west decades later. And said sergeant is fighting a group of Satanists.

"Ooze" By Anthony M. Rud-A man who's the legal guardian of the young daughter of a close friend after the death of said friend and his wife decides to investigate just how they died. He ends up running into some mad science down in the Delta. This is very stylistically like Lovecraft.

"Dark Melody of Madness" By Cornell Woolrich-A New Orleans band leader follows a bandmate whom he suspects has black ancestry into the black part of town and ends up involved in voodoo. He tries to incorporate voodoo rituals into his music and trouble ensues. Given how trendy it is to complain about "cultural appropriation," this might be timely.

"Where The Summer Ends" By Karl Edward Wagner-This is probably one of if not my absolute favorite story in the collection. Who or what is living under the kudzu that's slowly overgrowing a decaying part of Knoxville? You could make this a 1970s period piece, which would explain things like an old-but-not-too-old WWII veteran, the lack of cell phones to call for help, etc. Some stuff that's told could be shown to ensure it's the proper length. Also here's an audio version of the story.

"Beyond The Cleft" by Tom Reamy-In a small mountain town, the children start attacking other children and their parents. It's like a pint-sized zombie apocalypse.

"Night of the Piasa" by J.C. Green and George W. Proctor-A young Native American woman who thanks to a Spanish ancestor can pass for white has adopted a European-style name and has been doing her level best to conceal her heritage. However, she finds out she has a downright supernatural link to her past. Owing to increased awareness of sexual abuse of Native American women this could be a timely movie.

Parts of An Anthology

"The Fireplace" by Henry S. Whitehead-This is a ghost story involving a man murdered in a hotel.

"Fast-Train Ike" by Jesse Stuart-I couldn't even really understand what was going on here. I'm only including this for completeness' sake.

"The Legend of Joe Lee" by John D. MacDonald-This could conceivably be stretched into a film, but it would work much better as a short in a collection.

"The Wait" by Kit Reed-A young woman and her overbearing mother are stranded in a small town in rural Georgia where weird stuff happens.

"Cry Havoc" By Davis Grubb-This was not one of the stronger stories in the collection to say the least. Think the "Chief Wooden-Head" sequence of Creepshow 2, but with toy soldiers. Maybe work in some wartime PTSD for the father's character? With the prolonged wars in Afghanistan and Iraq leading to a whole new generation of veterans suffering from it, that could be timely.

A Friend's Short Stories, Free To Read

A friend of mine is disabled due to an antibiotic mishap and hasn't been able to regularly work since she started getting sick. She's gotten a gig posting these short stories online and she gets paid if you read and like. So here are her first few stories:

"Daffodils"-This one features a police officer responding to a call in a neighborhood of predominately elderly residents.

"Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Jews"-She's not only Jewish, but she's also a convert to Judaism, which is not particularly common. Here are her thoughts on Jewish religion and culture.

"Hiccup"-A woman deals with aging, but it's got an upbeat ending.

"Testify"-Near-death experiences.

Hopefully more short stories will be coming. Enjoy!

"Remember the Texas," Or WWII Starts In The Atlantic

Here's another fun alternate timeline from the public section of the alternate history forum: "Remember the Texas! The United States in WWII." It diverges from real history in June 1941 when a German U-Boat captain mistakes the American battleship USS Texas for a British battleship and sinks it. Although the U.S. and Germany had an undeclared naval war going at this point, this represents a truly massive escalation. The United States declares war on Germany (even the isolationists are not going to tolerate this), despite the U.S. military being absolutely nowhere near ready.

(If you read An Army at Dawn, you can see how horrendously unprepared the U.S. was for Operation Torch, and that was much later against a much less motivated and less competent opponent.)

Highlights of the timeline include:

*Different British generals commanding in different theaters, which almost certainly means a more competent defense of Singapore when the Japanese come south. The author argues that Japan will attack Western colonies in Asia due to the same issues that drove their attack in our world, and with the Pacific undermanned they might have an easier time. In this world, that war begins in the Far East and there's no Pearl Harbor, so American society as a whole is not going to be as vengeful. Hopefully no Japanese Internment in this history--even J. Edgar Hoover thought that was a bad idea and he wasn't exactly a champion of civil liberties.

*A lot of experienced personnel are pulled out of the Philippines for the European war, which will make the islands' almost-inevitable fall much less severe for the U.S. in terms of personnel and equipment losses.

*Per the above, Douglas MacArthur commands U.S. forces in China. Given his blunders in the Philippines (this paper makes a strong case that the Japanese conquest was largely due to his mistakes), this is going to be another improvement on real history, although one wonders how an ego the size of MacArthur's would coexist with an ego the size of Chiang Kai-Shek's. Hopefully they can keep each other's yes-men away--as someone points out in the thread, MacArthur when he didn't have cronies telling him what he wanted to hear could come up with pretty clever stuff like the Inchon Landings.

*Operation Chariot, in real history the St. Nazaire Raid, gets beefed up with U.S. aircraft carriers and battleships into a much larger operation intended to hash the German fleet based in French ports and eliminate (or at least greatly diminish) the U-Boat threat. Most of the timeline so far consists of this world's Operation Chariot and discussion about how plausible this would be.

How I Would Have Done THE GUYVER (1991)

I know I said earlier that future "how I would have done it" posts would be going on the Myopia Movies Patreon newsletter, but sometimes changes of strategy are a good idea. So here are my thoughts on how I would have done The Guyver, which we discussed once upon a time. This movie, notable for featuring once and future Luke Skywalker Mark Hamill as a chain-smoking CIA agent with a mustache, wasn't nearly as good as I remember it being on the Sci-Fi Channel when I was in elementary school.

But many times a badly-done movie can still have a good concept. So here's how I would have done it...

Act One

*The canonical version had a Star Wars style opening crawl and a voice-over, which was so stupid. Instead we have a cold open with Dr. Tetsu Sagawa (Greg Paik) running from what seem to be a bunch of gang-bangers in the not-so-nice parts of late 1980s Los Angeles. You think it’s a robbery or some kind of hit and the suddenly everybody starts turning into the monstrous Zoanoids. Their leader, the bald and brutal Lisker (Michael Berryman), still kills Dr. Sagawa and retrieves the box he was carrying. Unbeknownst to him, Sagawa had stashed what was inside in a random lunchbox he found just before the gangsters caught up to him. Lisker takes the box back to the offices of the sinister Chronos Corporations and his boss CEO Fulton Balcus (David Gale). Balcus is none too pleased to find that the Guyver Unit is still missing and does that weird psychic-torture thing to Lisker like in the main film, hinting that he’s a lot more than he seems.

*Cut to a Los Angeles karate dojo, where Max Reed (Mark Hamill) has to deliver the bad news to Dr. Sagawa’s daughter Mizuki “Mizki” Sagawa, who this time will be played by Billie Lee. In the sequel Guyver 2: Dark Hero (which I liked a lot better), she did a better job in her one scene than Vivian Wu did in the entirety of this one. Her fellow student and love interest Sean Barker, played by David Hayter from the second film who did a better job than Jack Armstrong in the first, follows her and Reed to the dumpsite where they found Dr. Sagawa’s body. There he discovers the Guyver and takes it with him. Attacked on the way home by gang members — who I’d initially let the audience think are associated with the crew from the beginning — Sean is overwhelmed by their numbers despite his training. In the process of getting whupped, he gets his head slammed into the Guyver and it forms a suit of powered armor around him. His defeat of the gang members and accidental reversion to his human form play as in the actual film, although hopefully Hayter would do a better job conveying Sean’s shock and horror than Armstrong did.

Act Two

*While Sean is still processing just what is happening to him, Lisker and his crew strike again. They attack Mizki at her apartment, killing an inconvenient witness, and carry her off. Sean and Max both arrive at roughly the same time looking for her and pursue them to an ominous warehouse. They manage to rescue Mizki, but are then set upon by Lisker’s full brute squad. Here we can elaborate on the Zoanoids a bit—Lisker and fellow Chronos enforcer Weber (Spice Williams-Crosby) are a couple and Sean’s killing her drives Lisker into a fury, the aspiring rapper M.C. Striker (Jimmie Walker) is a reluctant villain in over his head and has to be egged on by the others into doing evil things like hitting Mizki and generally thugging it up, etc. There’s a prolonged chase scene — including Striker stumbling into a horror film shoot in his monster form and everybody assuming he’s the movie monster, which I thought was pretty funny — with some of the lesser Zoanoids getting killed along the way. Much like in the canonical film, the Zoanoids eventually overpower Sean and Lisker kills him by tearing the control unit out of his head in front of the terrified Mizki. With Sean literally melting before everybody’s eyes, both her and Max are taken captive.

*One problem I had with Mizki, in addition to Wu’s mediocre acting and unbelievably bad accent, is that she was terrified and passive most of the time except the one moment when the plot demanded. If she and Sean are both martial arts practitioners, I would have made her a better fighter in the scenes where the Zoanoids abduct her. Yes, the Zoanoids are a different class of enemy than a rapist or a mugger — significantly bigger, able to take more damage, and scarier in appearance — but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’d dissolve into a quivering mess, especially if she has some awareness of what her father’s been up to. Even though the Zoanoids eventually defeat her and take her captive, it doesn’t have to be that easy for them. For example, many judo techniques are intended for a smaller person to use a larger opponent’s size and momentum against them. These are the kinds of things Mizki could have used against the Zoanoids, especially given how most of them are comparatively-untrained gangbanger types.

*Balcus receives Mizki in his lair at the Chronos Corporation office and does his expository villain monologue, perhaps hoping to recruit her in place of her dead father or simply because he’s a gross old pervert and wants to get into her pants. In the process he takes her to the lab where they’ve put Max into some kind of experimental tube and are transforming him into a Zoanoid, perhaps reasoning that once he’s become one of them, they’ll get some Transhuman Treachery and he can be their mole in the CIA. Mizki spots the control unit torn from Sean’s head beginning to regenerate flesh and takes it hostage, throwing it at one of the lesser Zoanoids when he tries to rush her. He starts to choke and seize and the Guyver is reborn out of his body like a man-sized chest-buster! The resurrected Sean breaks Max out of the experimental tube and the battle is on.

Act Three

*Sean proceeds to battle all of Lisker’s remaining Zoanoids and brutally kills them, with the exception of the cowardly Striker who’s just too pathetic to bother with. Lisker still gets his ironic death of having a chunk of his head ripped out much like he’d done to Sean. However, in my version Max and Mizki’s contributions are somewhat less ridiculous than getting chased around the lab by a couple of minion types in a sequence that looks like a Benny Hill routine. Seriously, they needed the Yakety-Sax for that sequence. In addition to Mizki’s karate techniques, we see earlier in the film that Max is handy with a gun. Even if Zoanoid hide can shrug off bullets, he could still get one in the eye or provide a useful distraction.

*Once Lisker and company are dead, Max undergoes the grotesque transformation into a man-faced, man-sized roach and dies. I’ll give Mark Hamill credit—he does a much better job conveying genuine agony in this one than he did as Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back and The Return of the Jedi. This allows for Balcus to guilt-trip Sean over ending the transformation sequence before Max had time to stabilize. Rather than succumbing to his manipulations, however, Sean has had enough of this crap and lashes out, sending Balcus flying much like he does here.

*But Balcus isn’t dead. Instead he transforms into the monstrous dragon-like Zoalord. Mine would be smaller due to the whole “conservation of mass” thing, but still clearly superior to Sean. Rather than have the New Powers As The Plot Demands reveal that the Guyver has energy weapons, I’d simply have Sean use his karate training to outmaneuver the comparatively-unskilled and larger Balcus and slowly bleed him to death with a thousand cuts. Think the duel between Oberyn Martell and Gregor Clegane in Game of Thrones before Oberyn gets cocky. My more karate-savvy Mizki can help fight the Zoalord herself or, if she’d much rather not go hand-to-hand with the monster of monsters, throw things or blast him with fire extinguishers rather than just cower behind pillars. Balcus’s death is more brutal and less silly rather than him getting blown through a door, coming to a stop, and then EXPLODING.

*With the Zoanoids destroyed, Sean and Mizki walk away together. All is well. But then we see they’re not alone — Striker and Max’s CIA partner are watching. Sequel Hook!

As you may have gathered from my contribution to Myopia so far, I see a lot of potential in many films that on the surface kind of suck. As you can see here, The Guyver is one such movie. If you want to listen to the actual episode, join the Patreon. If you want to listen to newer episodes, here's the podcast website.

How I'd Cast a BATTLE FOR THE WASTELANDS Film Or Television Series

Awhile back, I appeared on the podcast Here Be Tygers to discuss The Thing in the Woods and how I'd cast a movie or TV series. Here's the episode. I later elaborated on that in a spoilery blog post.

Well, here're some ideas on Battle for the Wastelands, which would be good as either a series of feature films in the vein of The Lord of the Rings or (even better) an each-book-a-season prestige show like Game of Thrones. An earlier version was originally published a few months ago in my newsletter, which comes out every two weeks and is the first place to go for news of my public appearances, writing updates, etc.

Andrew Sutter-The protagonist of the novel, around 21 years old. Tall, lanky, with green eyes and straw-colored hair. Alex Pettyfur could conceivably work, although his being British is a problem. We don't want some kind of "Cary Elwes in Twister" accent situation. Dylan Sprayberry could work as an alternative. However, I'm not familiar with either's acting ability.

Sarah Sutter-Andrew's twin, also 21. She'd need to have the same hair and eye color and general coloring. Elizabeth Olsen and Emma Stone have the look, but they're too old to play the character. Maybe Hayden Panettiere? Here's a list of blonde actresses under 25. Some of these overlap with some of my ideas for Astrid Grendelsdottir (more on her later), although Astrid is several years younger.

Grendel-Antagonist, military dictator of the known world. Middle 50s and of essentially Viking background, but dark-haired rather than stereotypically blond. Built like a linebacker. Stellan Skarsgard has the right facial structure for Grendel and he seems to be around the right age, but he's too blond and people might not him seriously as a villainous warlord after seeing him as the comic-relief Erik Selvig in the Marvel films. It's not like he was really impressive as the Saxon king in King Arthur, where he just growled a lot. Lars Mikkelsen might work as well, since he doesn't look so old and Grendel is described as only starting to turn gray hair-wise.

Falki Grendelsson-Grendel's eldest surviving son and heir, around 20 years old. Whoever's cast as him would need to convincingly convey intensity and physical danger--he's a hunting fanatic, an extremely dangerous foe in hand-to-hand combat, and advocates harsher and more vindictive policies than his father. And due to his mother dying of cholera (and him nearly dying of it himself) as a child, he's more than a little bit of a germaphobe. However, he does have a couple Adorkable moments in the book, so there's a lighter side to him. Grendel's late wife was Jiao (a fantasy counterpart culture combining Chinese and Japanese elements) and Grendel's children most take after their mothers in looks (other than how they all have Grendel's gray eyes), so an Asian or biracial actor would be best. The cover of "Son of Grendel" is the one canonical image of Falki, so that can be a guide. Henry Golding from Crazy Rich Asians might work, although since I haven't seen the film I don't know how he could play an intense and kind of grim character.

Alonzo Merrill-Leader of the last major anti-Grendel force between the mountains and the deserts and the seas, in his 30s. Between how the Merrill culture gives me serious Rohirrim vibes and given Eomer's role as Eowyn's protective (if somewhat overbearing in the third film) older brother in The Lord of The Rings, Karl Urban would work well. He has the right intensity (in The Two Towers, he puts the hurt on the slimy Wormtongue when he figures out he's turned traitor in exchange for Eowyn as a reward) and can convincingly play military. The problem is, Urban is too old for the part and he'd basically be playing Eomer again, updated for an age of firearms. Scott Eastwood has the right look, although I've never seen him act. Anson Mount? A bit on the old side to play the character, but he was in the Western Hell on Wheels.

Jasper Clark-Commander of the Flesh-Eating Legion, a vassal regime of Grendel's known for ritual cannibalism. Dave Bautista has the physical presence, but he looks too young even if he's probably the same age as the character. Arnold Vosloo has the right look, but Jasper Clark (and the Flesh-Eaters more broadly) are the hill people in comparison to the lowlander Merrill elite and their subjects. Despite the differences in lifestyle and religion, they're broadly the same ethnically. A white South African would be a bit too exotic to play essentially an Anglo-American, although since I've only seen him in the Mummy films (where to be fair he convincingly plays an ancient Egyptian priest) and in Hard Target, I don't know his range. From a cash perspective Vosloo would be better, as owing to the MCU and Dune Bautista would probably be too expensive.

Catalina Merrill-Alonzo's younger sister and unwilling concubine of Grendel, very early 20s. In looks I based on her on early-career Danielle de Luca--red hair and hazel eyes. However, according to IMDB de Luca was born in 1978, making her older than me, let alone the character she'd portray. Also, Catalina is very, very math-smart in addition to being attractive and is particularly dedicated to her four-ish-year-old son's proper education. Felicia Day might be a better choice given how she's the Internet nerd queen, although she's only a year younger than de Luca.

(Having watched Baby's Day Out for a Myopia Movies bonus Patreon episode, Lara Flynn Boyle circa 1994 or someone like her would work even though her facial structure is rather different and her voice comes off as rather insipid. To be fair, that might be her character rather than her--I haven't seen her in anything else.)

Alyssa Carson-Andrew's tomboy love interest, part of the Merrill cavalry, in her early 20s. Blake Lively kind of looks right, although Alyssa's hair has more curl in it and the actress would be rather too old for the part. Alyssa is more worldly than Andrew and is the aggressor in their relationship, but she's not nearly twice his age. If Saoirse Ronan can play tough like Hailee Steinfeld in the 2010 True Grit, that'd work.

Arne Grendelsson-Grendel's second surviving son, in his late teens. Inherited his father's sharp mind, but easily bored (possible ADD?). Timothee Chalumet (playing Paul Atreides in the upcoming Dune mega-adaptation) might work, since Arne has dark and curly hair. Also although he's been physically trained in combat and other military matters since childhood like a medieval noble, he isn't assigned a formal military role until the second book and hasn't yet commanded men in battle. That Chalumet doesn't come off as as tough as a lot of other actors wouldn't be an issue, although I doubt Grendel would tolerate a son who's too emo.

Astrid Grendelsdottir-Blonde Sejer (Norse) girl in her late teens. Lilli Reinhart might work, especially given the more Germanic angle. Maiko Monroe from It Follows would work too. Of all of Grendel's children she seems like a more conventional teenage girl, especially in contrast to her grim older brother Falki, so mining CW shows for actors seems doable.

Signe Allensdottir-Grendel's senior concubine and Falki's de facto stepmother--Falki explicitly wishes his father would have married her formally rather than having a harem of much younger women. Someone like Jody Foster, Helen Hunt, or Laura Linney would work. She's not actually in the first book (she's referenced as away visiting relatives), but given her role in Grendel's gross personal life and her importance to Falki (as the mother of Arne and Astrid, whom Falki actually values rather than viewing as rivals, and advisor when he sits in for his father), that could be tweaked.

Lenora Starr-Another of Grendel's concubine's, mother of his third surviving son and greatly desirous he be heir instead. Amber Heard might be a bit on the young side to play the character. Anna Paquin could work, but she's so associated with Sookie Stackhouse from True Blood and Rogue from the X-Men films that people might have problems taking her seriously as a later-30s/early 40s schemer-type. Blake Lively might be more suitable for this part given her age.

Jessamine Keith-Grendel's youngest concubine and the first one we meet on-page, probably in her early 20s or very, very late teens. Here's a list of possible choices.

Sam Cotton-Andrew's hometown best friend, also early 20s. Ansel Elgort from Baby Driver might work, as could Freddie Highmore, although I've never seen them act. Chalumet from what I've seen him in comes off as too emo and pretty-boy to play a hardscrabble Old West small-towner.

Movie Review: SHADOW IN THE CLOUD (2020)

Owing to COVID, most theaters are closed, the ones remaining aren't playing a lot of new movies, and a lot of movies that would otherwise have been released to theaters are getting sent to streaming. One such movie was the WWII horror film Shadow in the Cloud. The initial streaming price was $20, so I waited until the price dropped to $5.99 before I rented it. Here goes...

The Plot

It's 1943 in New Zealand and the war against Japan is full swing. Maude Garrett (Chloe Grace Moretz), a women's auxiliary carrying a mysterious package, unexpectedly boards an outbound bomber for Samoa. The all-male bomber crew are generally not pleased with her being there (and make this very obvious), but orders are orders. Relations between the crew and their new passenger continue to degrade, made worse by threats from Japanese raiders and a mysterious evil force menacing Garrett in the ball turret where the men have stashed her.

What exactly is going on? Stay tuned to find out...

The Good

*The movie is short and fast-moving. It don't think there's ever a moment where it's boring, which is more than I can say for a lot of movies.

*The movie has a pretty original concept. The only WWII horror film that's come out in recent years that I can think of is Overlord. And military folklore of the war was replete with gremlins as the cause of things going wrong, so as a period piece that kind of works. Furthermore, the Pacific Theater gets much less pop-culture attention than the European Theater and the contributions of non-American Allied nations like New Zealand even less, so remedying that is a good idea. And based on the credits sequence, the movie seemed like it was intended to pay tribute to the contribution of women to the Allied war effort. That's something else I can get behind.

*Moretz is a good actor who does a good job with her role, conveying Maude's physical prowess and the horrors of her back story and current situation. When she's alone in the ball turret there are some truly squick-inducing moments that she really sells.

*The film realistically depicts the arbitrary violence of war. One minute someone is talking and the next minute they're shredded.

The Bad

*For the first third of the movie, none of the characters are likeable. The men are largely misogynist jerks who treat Garrett with absolutely grotesque levels of sexualized disrespect and one is racist toward another crew member on top of that. Meanwhile, Garrett herself is a shriek who is clearly trying too hard. Captain America: The First Avenger handled it much better with Peggy Carter's remark about how she knows what it's like to "have every door shut in [her] face." Although to be fair I don't recall Carter ever facing the absolutely ridiculous degree of disrespect Garrett gets, she handled odious men much more competently.

*Garrett seems to be good at absolutely everything. As I mentioned earlier the film seems like it was intended as a tribute to the WWII women's auxiliaries and so she clearly has to be competent, but she overshadows the men a lot of the time. I could imagine her being very skilled at one or two things (i.e. a mechanic or a pilot who's had weapon/combat training), but everything? This goes overkill into "girl power" territory. I won't say "Mary Sue" because she's too flawed a personality and has too much horrible stuff happen to her to be a perfect self-insert who never suffers, but it's getting there.

*The male characters aren't well-developed. Obviously one can't do too much with a movie this short, but still. None of them have bad delivery and all seem to play their parts, but none of the characters or the actors who play them really stick out enough for me to comment on them.

*Although we meet a few of the individual crew early on, there's a scene where they introduce themselves one by one to Garrett over the radio (after they put her in the ball turret for takeoff) and they're depicted individually against a dark background in what seems like the introduction of game show contestants. That was kind of lame, plus it made it harder to keep track of who was who when, for most of the film, we hear rather than see them. It would have been better if the film had cut from Garrett in the ball turret to the men above passing the microphone around or started the movie by introducing the crew and then having Maude show up. And then there's a scene where the men are all fighting among themselves that's shot in almost freeze-frame sequence against black that could also be shot more conventionally.

*After the big reveal about Garrett's mysterious package, the plot takes a turn for the ridiculous. We're talking about "climbing around on the outside of an airplane in the middle of a dogfight" level of ridiculous. And then there's that ridiculous moment you probably saw in the trailer. No more discussion for reasons of spoilers.

*The ending has a last-minute scare sequence that gets into even more unsubtle "girl power" territory. I might've been more forgiving of the earlier stuff (maybe she's just a quick study and a good listener who's running on adrenaline) if it weren't for the very end.

The Verdict

I waited a month or two for the price to drop from the new-release price of $20 to $5.99. If you must see this, wait until the price drops further and in the meantime watch Overlord. Never boring and a good concept, but from halfway through the movie on an increasingly ridiculous execution. 6.0 out of 10, barely, and that's because it's exciting.